My Reflection on Being 40...

So today I'm 40. It seems all throughout life you hear people talking about turning "40". Most seem to approach it with dread and fear. Me? I've actually been pretty excited about it.

Even as a teen I was always saying that I was "born to be 40", and that I believed that my life would begin at 40.

So now that it is here, how do I really feel? Am I still happy to be 40? Do I still feel that life is just beginning? Well, a year or two ago I did hit a bit of a panicked stage, realizing 40 was rapidly approaching, and I still hadn't accomplished the things I had expected to accomplish by 40. So I bought a house, and got over it! :)

It's not that I feel that life has just begun. I've had a wonderful life up to this point. I've had some wonderful people in the first half of my life. However I do feel that this is something of a rebirth for me. This is the start of my second life. I've been going through a sort of metamorphoses, and this is my shot at doing it all over again, and even better the second time around, now wiser and more patient, and now living my life with awareness and a consciousness that I lacked in my younger years. In my earlier years, it's as if I were on auto-pilot. I "reacted" to things and wasn't always aware of how I and my emotions and actions can affect others. Now I try to live a more proactive life rather than a reactive life, and I try to live consciously, aware of the impact that I make on the world and others around me-- and conscious of the consequences of my actions.

I feel strong and confident and empowered. (Do I hear "I am woman, hear me roar" playing in the background?) I'm glad to be 40. I'd never go back to 20 again!

Here's to second-zees (geeky Lord of the Rings reference)! Let's hope that the second life is even better than the first, and that this time I get it all right!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! And Happy 40th to me! Here's to 40 more!

12 Years, No Cigarettes, No Fooling

Today marks the 12th anniversary of my giving up cigarettes. I had decided that I was a fool to have begun smoking in the first place, so April Fools Day was an appropriate day to stop smoking.

I took my first drag off of a cigarette when I was about six years old. After that, my friend stole cigarettes from her mother a few times over the years, and we would sneak off to the bus barn to smoke them.

By the time I was 12, I was smoking fairly steadily. We would sometimes walk up to the corner store and buy cigarettes. Yes, they would sell cigarettes to twelve-year-olds. As a kid, my best friend was even known to drive up to the store (at ten or twelve years of age) to buy milk or cigarettes for her mother. Such was the way in her unstable home.

By 17 I was smoking at least a half pack a day. I found that I could easily buy the cigarettes out of machines. No hassle, no risk of being denied for lack of ID.

By the time I quit smoking in 1997, I was up to two packs a day. I coughed all of the time. I had yellow stains on my fingers, and had no idea at the time how bad my house smelled or how bad I smelled. I still will occasionally crack open a book that I was reading or studying back when I smoked, and it STILL smells of cigarettes, fifteen years later!

The best decision I ever made, the best thing I ever did for myself, was to quit smoking. Especially since I have since been diagnosed with asthma. I now know that my coughing was caused as much by my asthma (previously misdiagnosed as simply "bronchitis") as by my smoking. Having emphysema and lung cancer rampant in my family, it was imperative that I did this for myself. It was my only chance for a healthy life.

So here is to 12 years smoke free! Here's to me!