This year, I decided to make some non-resolutions and yell them from rooftops. Or at least desktops, swing sets, sunsets, overseas via carrier pigeon, anywhere, everywhere at once - doesn't matter, as long as you hear them.I liked this idea. I'm all for loving and accepting yourself and others. The world for me is a "come as you are"-kinda world. I'm always pronouncing "This is me, like it or not!" Some things I like about myself, and others I don't, but I accept all parts of myself. Even if I'm working to change some of those things about myself, there is still a certain level of acceptance, knowing that I may never be completely free of them.
So here is my proclamation-- my pronouncement of non-resolutions.
- I am totally disorganized with "things", but with data I am obsessively organized, utilizing spreadsheets of every kind. I look for patterns in data, and use it to make conclusions. I'm a natural-born researcher and analyst.
- I am physically lazy, but not mentally lazy. I have a very good work ethic, but I hate physical labor. Stick me at a desk or computer with a stack of papers, and I'll work tirelessly. Ask me to go do 30 minutes of house chores and I'll entreat, "Do I have to?!"
- I have a savior complex. I'm always drawn to the underdog, always trying to rescue one more animal or lost soul. It's almost an addiction. This is both a blessing and a curse. I'm trying to find a balance where it is a benefit to the world and my life without me putting my own life and security at risk. I'm working on making this a "healthy" aspect of my personality.
- I have a slightly cold and detached outer-surface that masks an extremely sensitive inner-world. That is why the cold persona was created-- to protect that sensitive inner-creature that was being eroded by the hard side of life. I didn't want to lose her-- she was too precious.
- I may lack tact and diplomacy, but any harm is done totally without intent. I don't try to intentionally hurt people, and only do so through reckless and careless use of my tongue!
- I am honest. I am horrified by the deceit people use in their daily lives. I try to only allow people into my world that are also honest. I don't want to question what people say. I want to know that what they speak is truth, even if that means that sometimes my feelings may get hurt.
- One half of my bed is normally covered in books and papers and stuff. The area around my bed is covered in the same. Part of the reason is that whole "lazy"-thing. I just don't want to have to get up to get things or put them back again.
- I like being surrounded by order. I don't like being surrounded by disorganization and clutter. This means that I am in constant turmoil, because I am anything but organized and my life is as cluttered as my mind.
- I've had a ringing in my ears for almost 25 years now. I realize now that it is one of the reasons I always like to have a TV or some sound around me. I can't stand listening to the ringing.
- Speaking of my ears, I've realized recently that I have a weird habit. I often tug or touch my left ear as I say goodbye on the phone and hang up. This is commonly done in a "professional" environment, but not with personal phone calls. It has something to do with me having some "autistic tendencies" and being uncomfortable communicating with people. So after an uncomfortable few minutes on the phone answering their questions, struggling to keep the tension out of my voice and sound pleasant, struggling (sometimes unsuccessfully) to not let the "are you stupid" tone enter my voice when people seem to be displaying total ignorance over things that seem so basic to me (usually this is during tech support calls), as I hang up and release the tension, I've realized over the last few months that I touch my left ear or rub behind it. Don't ask me. I have no idea why, and I have no idea when I started doing this. I've only come to realize it within the last year.
- I have a pair of loppers (for yard work) sitting in my bedroom right now. I don't know why. I don't remember why I brought them in here, but laziness has kept me from taking them back out again.
- I've admitted in the past that I organize my food. Given Skittles, I will obsessively organize them into flavor combinations when I get down to the final 20 or so, and woe to the person who just reaches in and grabs some with no consideration for the pattern going on here!
- I require a fair amount of time with no demands on me. I don't want someone talking to me, asking anything of me. I just want to turn my mind inward from the world, through the computer or a book. I just want to be left alone. Let's blame this once again on those "autistic tendencies".
- I sing everything! I hum theme songs, sing commercials. In fact, I will hear music in life. I used to sing with the copier at my old job, because I could hear the "song" it sang when printing off a bunch of copies. I would try to point out the song to others, but they wouldn't hear it. Let's blame this once again on those "autistic tendencies" (or perhaps it's simply because my mode of communication is audio), but I can still sing the copier's song today, even after not hearing it for 6 years.
- I'm a book collector. It is more about having the book than reading the book. I actually spend very little time reading the books (the computer takes too much of my time), but just love looking at the books and thinking about reading them! I know. I don't get it either. There is something about the knowledge contained within the tome. The idea that if I pass up that book, I could be losing some valuable knowledge or could be missing out on a book that could potentially change my life. So it's really about "knowledge" contained within the book, just waiting to be recognized.
Oh, and by the way: I realized today that I missed my own blogoversary. I posted my first story on this blog on 12/26/08. I have so many other blogs and things going on now that I don't post quite as regularly as I used to, but I'm still here-- sharing too many inconsequential things about my life.
Take care everyone, and we'll see you in 2010!