April Fools: I have practical experience in practical jokes

OK. So today is April Fools. I've never been much on April fools. However, as previously mentioned, I used to work with some practical jokesters. I even got in on the fun myself. Here is a list of the practical jokes I can remember:

• The aforementioned joke involving my "Seize the sock" coffee mug.
• We had a rubber roach that made its rounds around the office. I came in one day, sat down to work, and jumped when I saw a giant roach on my keyboard. I kept the roach for quite awhile, but eventually a couple of years later I put it on the digital readout of Paul's phone, so he would just see the silhouette of the roach on the lighted readout. It wound up being effective!
• Jon asked Paul one day to change his voice message. Paul (who naturally has a pretty deep voice) left a message on Jon's voice system in his most feminine and lilting voice: "Hi! You've reached Jon!" You had to hear it to get the full effect!
• Likewise Paul set my voice message. The generic computer system left the message that you've reached the voice mail of..., and in Paul's deepest voice he filled in HEATHER. It was hysterical! Just think of Jim Carrey as that female bodybuilder character Vera DeMilo he used to play on In Living Color.
  
• Tom took Jon's phone and hid it in the freezer. He's lucky that it didn't kill Jon's battery. At the end of the day, Jon went to leave and couldn't find his phone. Tom had forgotten he'd hid it in the freezer. It'd been in there for hours! Jon wound up calling his phone to track it down, and found it ringing in the freezer!
• Once, while Paul was gone for a few days, I got the bright idea to use the Auto-Correct feature in Microsoft to have Paul's computer auto-correct with certain terms. For instance, I set his computer to replace "Heather" with "The Goddess". Jon set it to replace "Jon" with "My Master". So when Paul returned to work, he would type "Heather", and the name would change to "The Goddess" in front of his eyes. He thought his system had been infected with a virus or something!
• I bought an Annoy-a-tron and used it on a number of individuals in the office. The Annoy-a-tron emits annoying beeping sounds and such, and is magnetized to hide in obscure locations. I would stick it under a table in a corner or on the back of a desk and leave it for a few hours or a day. People would begin to hear strange beeping sounds in their office, and couldn't track down where they were coming from. Jon was the only one who knew about it. So I can still get away with buying a new one and continuing to use it on people in the office!
• Paul took Brian's cell phone once and hid it in the ceiling tiles. Then we just waited for Brian to get a phone call (which happened quite often). Brian was trying to figure out where in the heck his phone had disappeared to, and eventually tracked it down to the ceiling! He had a harder time getting the phone down than 6'4" Paul had putting it up there!
  
• After Paul left the company, we stayed in touch. One day a month or two after he left I mentioned to him that we were having our monthly meeting, where we used to have pizza and such provided by the company for us. Paul mentioned, "Save some pizza for me!" So I did. I saved a slice of pizza, wrapped it in foil, and packed it in a priority mail box along with that rubber roach I spoke of earlier. I put this in the mail to him. Paul and his then-girlfriend/now-wife Jenn had to go to the post office to pick up this mysterious package. While in the car, Jenn opened the package while Paul drove. I guess she was startled by the roach, and then proceeded to open the foil to unwrap a several days-old piece of pizza. She didn't know what the heck was up with this, but Paul laughed and explained it all to her!

Those are the jokes that I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure there were other small ones that occurred over those years. Good times!

Also a quick note: Today is 13 years without even a single drag off of a cigarette. I didn't think that I could ever quit, but it's amazing what you can do when you just get pissed off at corruption in big business.

Non-Resolutions/Proclamations for the New Year

I recently saw on My Soul is a Butterfly that she posted of "non-resolutions". She said that she doesn't do "resolutions", but this year decided to do "non-resolutions":

This year, I decided to make some non-resolutions and yell them from rooftops. Or at least desktops, swing sets, sunsets, overseas via carrier pigeon, anywhere, everywhere at once - doesn't matter, as long as you hear them.

I liked this idea. I'm all for loving and accepting yourself and others. The world for me is a "come as you are"-kinda world. I'm always pronouncing "This is me, like it or not!" Some things I like about myself, and others I don't, but I accept all parts of myself. Even if I'm working to change some of those things about myself, there is still a certain level of acceptance, knowing that I may never be completely free of them.

So here is my proclamation-- my pronouncement of non-resolutions.

• I am totally disorganized with "things", but with data I am obsessively organized, utilizing spreadsheets of every kind. I look for patterns in data, and use it to make conclusions. I'm a natural-born researcher and analyst.
  
• I am physically lazy, but not mentally lazy. I have a very good work ethic, but I hate physical labor. Stick me at a desk or computer with a stack of papers, and I'll work tirelessly. Ask me to go do 30 minutes of house chores and I'll entreat, "Do I have to?!"
• I have a savior complex. I'm always drawn to the underdog, always trying to rescue one more animal or lost soul. It's almost an addiction. This is both a blessing and a curse. I'm trying to find a balance where it is a benefit to the world and my life without me putting my own life and security at risk. I'm working on making this a "healthy" aspect of my personality.
• I have a slightly cold and detached outer-surface that masks an extremely sensitive inner-world. That is why the cold persona was created-- to protect that sensitive inner-creature that was being eroded by the hard side of life. I didn't want to lose her-- she was too precious.
  
• I may lack tact and diplomacy, but any harm is done totally without intent. I don't try to intentionally hurt people, and only do so through reckless and careless use of my tongue!
• I am honest. I am horrified by the deceit people use in their daily lives. I try to only allow people into my world that are also honest. I don't want to question what people say. I want to know that what they speak is truth, even if that means that sometimes my feelings may get hurt.
• One half of my bed is normally covered in books and papers and stuff. The area around my bed is covered in the same. Part of the reason is that whole "lazy"-thing. I just don't want to have to get up to get things or put them back again.
• I like being surrounded by order. I don't like being surrounded by disorganization and clutter. This means that I am in constant turmoil, because I am anything but organized and my life is as cluttered as my mind.
  
• I've had a ringing in my ears for almost 25 years now. I realize now that it is one of the reasons I always like to have a TV or some sound around me. I can't stand listening to the ringing.
• Speaking of my ears, I've realized recently that I have a weird habit. I often tug or touch my left ear as I say goodbye on the phone and hang up. This is commonly done in a "professional" environment, but not with personal phone calls. It has something to do with me having some "autistic tendencies" and being uncomfortable communicating with people. So after an uncomfortable few minutes on the phone answering their questions, struggling to keep the tension out of my voice and sound pleasant, struggling (sometimes unsuccessfully) to not let the "are you stupid" tone enter my voice when people seem to be displaying total ignorance over things that seem so basic to me (usually this is during tech support calls), as I hang up and release the tension, I've realized over the last few months that I touch my left ear or rub behind it. Don't ask me. I have no idea why, and I have no idea when I started doing this. I've only come to realize it within the last year.
  
• I have a pair of loppers (for yard work) sitting in my bedroom right now. I don't know why. I don't remember why I brought them in here, but laziness has kept me from taking them back out again.
• I've admitted in the past that I organize my food. Given Skittles, I will obsessively organize them into flavor combinations when I get down to the final 20 or so, and woe to the person who just reaches in and grabs some with no consideration for the pattern going on here!
  
• I require a fair amount of time with no demands on me. I don't want someone talking to me, asking anything of me. I just want to turn my mind inward from the world, through the computer or a book. I just want to be left alone. Let's blame this once again on those "autistic tendencies".
• I sing everything! I hum theme songs, sing commercials. In fact, I will hear music in life. I used to sing with the copier at my old job, because I could hear the "song" it sang when printing off a bunch of copies. I would try to point out the song to others, but they wouldn't hear it. Let's blame this once again on those "autistic tendencies" (or perhaps it's simply because my mode of communication is audio), but I can still sing the copier's song today, even after not hearing it for 6 years.
  
• I'm a book collector. It is more about having the book than reading the book. I actually spend very little time reading the books (the computer takes too much of my time), but just love looking at the books and thinking about reading them! I know. I don't get it either. There is something about the knowledge contained within the tome. The idea that if I pass up that book, I could be losing some valuable knowledge or could be missing out on a book that could potentially change my life. So it's really about "knowledge" contained within the book, just waiting to be recognized.
  

That's me world! Love it or leave it! That was me in 2009, and that will probably be me in 2010. I continue to be a work in progress. So bring on the new year! Happy New Year everyone!

Oh, and by the way: I realized today that I missed my own blogoversary. I posted my first story on this blog on 12/26/08. I have so many other blogs and things going on now that I don't post quite as regularly as I used to, but I'm still here-- sharing too many inconsequential things about my life.

Take care everyone, and we'll see you in 2010!

My Reflection on Being 40...

So today I'm 40. It seems all throughout life you hear people talking about turning "40". Most seem to approach it with dread and fear. Me? I've actually been pretty excited about it.

Even as a teen I was always saying that I was "born to be 40", and that I believed that my life would begin at 40.

So now that it is here, how do I really feel? Am I still happy to be 40? Do I still feel that life is just beginning? Well, a year or two ago I did hit a bit of a panicked stage, realizing 40 was rapidly approaching, and I still hadn't accomplished the things I had expected to accomplish by 40. So I bought a house, and got over it! :)

It's not that I feel that life has just begun. I've had a wonderful life up to this point. I've had some wonderful people in the first half of my life. However I do feel that this is something of a rebirth for me. This is the start of my second life. I've been going through a sort of metamorphoses, and this is my shot at doing it all over again, and even better the second time around, now wiser and more patient, and now living my life with awareness and a consciousness that I lacked in my younger years. In my earlier years, it's as if I were on auto-pilot. I "reacted" to things and wasn't always aware of how I and my emotions and actions can affect others. Now I try to live a more proactive life rather than a reactive life, and I try to live consciously, aware of the impact that I make on the world and others around me-- and conscious of the consequences of my actions.

I feel strong and confident and empowered. (Do I hear "I am woman, hear me roar" playing in the background?) I'm glad to be 40. I'd never go back to 20 again!

Here's to second-zees (geeky Lord of the Rings reference)! Let's hope that the second life is even better than the first, and that this time I get it all right!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! And Happy 40th to me! Here's to 40 more!

Birth Control with Potatoes

Floridacracker over at Pure Florida did a post the other day regarding the Florida "air potato", and it reminded me of a story of a time from my past that included the air potato.

I was working for a property management company at an adult community. We'd had a complaint from a resident about the air potatoes behind her house. I rode out to her place on a golf cart (the standard mode of transportation in south Florida adult communities), and listened to her as she showed me her air potato plague and educated me on the invasive attack of the air potato in Florida. When she was done, she sent me back to my office with a few potatoes in hand to give to my boss, in hopes of driving her point home.

Upon returning to the office, I had shown the potatoes to our receptionist Ruth Ann, and being the natural researcher that I am, I set about learning all I could about the air potato.

Now let me take a moment to explain that Ruth Ann (whom I affectionately called "Ruthie") was about 75 years old, exuded an old-world elegance, and had spunk and a great sense of humor.

So I set about my research and I suddenly exclaimed to Ruthie, "I knew it! The air potato is in the yam family!" I stood in front of Ruthie's counter, from which she would greet guests to our office, and held up a fist-sized potato in my hand. "You know, if I remember correctly, I think that young Native American girls used to use yams for birth control."

Ruthie looked at me with big eyes, and almost fearfully asked, "How did they use them?"

"They made a tea from them, I think." I replied.

"Oh! Thank God!" She slapped the desk with her hand, and put her head down on the desk. "I saw that potato in your hand, and when you said that they used them for birth control, I had this horrible vision in my head! I thought, 'Oh, those poor girls!'", Ruthie exclaimed.

.....

Yeah, let that vision sit in your head for a moment. That was a quintessential Ruthie moment. Another was once when Ruth Ann was talking one day about how she had fallen down in her house a week or two before, after bumping into a table at night. "Let me guess", I asked. "After you fell down, the first thing you did was look around to see who just saw you fall down?" She laughed and said, "Yes!" "Isn't that funny?", I asked. "That happened to me awhile back, too. I tripped stepping over a ferret barrier I had set up in my hallway, and the first thing I did after I hit the floor was self-consciously look around to see who just saw me eat carpet. Even though I live alone!" Ruthie chuckled. "It's true." She nodded. "I did that, too!"

I miss Ruthie. She was a funny lady, and straight forward. I liked that about her. Last I saw her, she was preparing for a trip to Europe.

God help Europe...